G-S-T Quick 5 – Things I Never Understood About 'Star Wars'

For the umpteenth time Star Wars has be re-released to the masses but for the first time ever it is available on Blu Ray…well sort of. In the SW universe there’s a fan base that has an absolute split contention about as polar as the Dark and Light side of the Force. It’s between fans of the original trilogy where half claim the ‘Theatrical Version’ is best, the other half of that fan base for some unknown reason really does enjoy the “Special Enhanced Editions”. Where do I stand? Easy, I’m in the first camp. I’m part of the millions of fans who were won over with the version that George claims to be inferior; maybe it’s nostalgia but it’s the one I saw first and the one I’m endeared to. Needless add-ons only cheapen and degrade something we’ve come to love and know essentially by heart.

The purist in me wasn’t holding my breath for the Theatrical Editions on Blu and as such I just can’t stomach Lucas’ tacked on CG mess (and these last minute irk inducing modifications). Although if you are on the fence, Blu Ray.com makes a really solid case for being happy with these versions which look fantastic despite the cringe-worthy changes added over the years. But I’m still gonna pass…

One day, many years from now, I can imagine George releasing the Theatrical Versions in Blu but sadly it sure ain’t happening anytime soon. So while I, along with millions of other fans, wonder when that day will come here’s a good chance for me to air some things in the first Star Wars that have bugged me for years. While Seth MacFarlane and the Family Guy gang did a brilliant job of picking out the things about Star Wars the either 1.) never made much sense to begin with or 2.) just weren’t thought out very well by old Georgey boy, I have a few more items to add. Ahem…

So there’s this anti-establishment movement out there that is so well known that even paltry farm boys know about “the Rebellion against the Empire“. But somehow, that same oppressive Empire (read: a massive galactic organization) just can’t find them??

Hmmm, sounds lazy to me. I mean with entire fleets and thousands of storm troopers collecting paychecks for just standing around how are they unable to find anyone with a reliable tip? They have a reputation for being Gestapo-like anyway right? Why don’t they just send their leg-breakers to get information out of someone…and if they can’t, then how about establishing a similar but phony rebellious front in hopes of drawing out sympathizers? Again, sounds lazy on their part.

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Have we ever hit anybody with these guns?”…”I hit a bird once” [from Family Guy’s ‘Something, Something, Something Dark Side‘ Spoof]

To quote old Obi-Wan, “and these blast points. Only Imperial Storm Troopers could be so precise.” Well sure, when a sand crawler goes about 3 miles an hour anyone can run right up and pop the Titanic sized Jawa station wagon with some well placed blaster bolts. But can they hit a person about 10 feet away with an automatic blaster rifle? Nope. Just who is teaching the marksman class in the Imperial Academy?

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What is “moisture farming” anyway? And how much “moisture” can you get from a desert planet?

No one’s drinking water anyway, so what do they do with it when they’ve got it? Pour it on dirt and pray for plants? Sell it to H20 wholesalers? Do farmers get subsidy money for use of their dirt? Also, with two suns, wouldn’t it be twice as hot making it that much more unbearable? Young Luke: “What’s the temperature today Aunt Beru?” A.B.: “About 212 degrees Luke. Now come drink some blue milk

Beyond the generally simple concept Wookiepedia says Moisture farmers “also used the gathered moisture to irrigate crops, which were grown underground, sheltered from the hot sun (or suns, as is the case in the binary star system of Tatoo). Underground crops huh? Sounds like mushrooms…or pot even. I knew it! The quaint and tight-lipped Beru and Owen are in fact mid-level independent drug dealers. I can see the headlines now, “Unassuming ‘Moisture Farmers’ Caught in Galactic Drug Ring”…and that’s why the empire offed them. Forget the whole looking for droids cover, the Empire just wasn’t happy about those two muscling in on the Emperor’s territory. “Slime and villainy”, right under Luke’s nose!

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We don’t serve their kind here

What’s with the “No Droids” policy? Is it possible the bartender (or his manager) is fed up with robots taking jobs away from hardworking residents of Tatooine? Or is he sick and tired of non-paying robotic patrons who just loiter and can’t actually buy any blue milk from his establisment? And are these droids such a nusance that he installs a silent alarm system…geeze buddy, would ya give it a rest?

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Han shooting first: or the idea that he never did anything wrong in the first place

Now before you start thinking I’m going to get on a soap box and start wailing like millions of other fan boys who vehemntly protest “Greedo Shooting First”, I’m not. While I think it’s a stooopid idea on Lucas’ part allow me to offer my thoughts of why Han was in the right all the way back in ’77. In short, all I’m going to say is that I don’t care where you come from the in the galaxy if someone (in this case a bounty hunter of lethal persuasion) approaches you with a gun drawn all those morals and lessons of live and let live should be dumped faster than Han’s space cargo. In that respect, who cares who shoots first right? If the dangerous end of a laser rifle is pointed your way the line in the sand is drawn my friend making it a clear cut case of self-defense. Han was in the right. Defense rests.

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So that’s what’s been bugging me for I don’t know how long, but if you have any ideas, shoot em my way would ya! For some more humorous tidbits and thoughts on the Star Wars Universe, head on over to The Movie Pool and see The 10 Life Lessons That Star Wars Can Teach You.